"Introvert" AND "Warm"?
The real issue is that the word "Introvert" is all too often overloaded (or should I say abused?), and conflated with other traits, such as "aloof", "distant", "withdrawn".
And that conflation can cause disturbing ambiguity on how to interpret a self-description of "Introvert".
In particular, for example in the context of shared housing, if I were to give a slogan, I'd say that I love "Introverts" but I do rather poorly with "Very Reserved" people. I'd better define and clarify those terms!
But let me backtrack first.
I'm an ambivert. I understand, and relate to, both Introverts and Extroverts - because, heck, I'm both. Historically, I was on the Introvert side growing up (in part due to insufficient social skills, and the "anti role model" of a parent who was a somewhat overbearing Extrovert); but I never was a "true introvert" - and it didn't take long for me to gradually drift towards the Extroverts side.
Introverts: Who are They - and Why I Like Them?
To avoid confusion, let me state how I define, in what I consider the narrow sense of the word, an Introvert. To me, an Introvert is someone who likes a certain amount of alone time, and whose energy gets drained by large amounts of social interaction, especially shallow interactions with larger groups. Someone who finds that quantity is not even remotely a replacement for depth of interaction (typically with fewer people.)
Those qualities are a reason why I like Introverts : I think they tend to make better friends, in the long run. The "quality over quantity" element appeals to me. By contrast, with some Extroverts I feel that I'm just "a hit" in their hunger for numbers - and eminently replaceable - rather than being a unique Special Connection. Also, I feel that Extroverts can be insanely distracted by their full stream of activities, and lack time. Yet another issue is that, in some cases, Extroverts can come across as over-bearing (as I mentioned, one of my parents.)
Overall, I feel that to befriend Introverts takes time and patience - which is fine with me - but they can be like a delicious candy, once you melt that protective shell and reach that yummy core!
I doubt that there's much controversy in my "narrow" definition of Introverts, above.
And I just sang their praise.
And yet - and yet a fair number of self-described Introverts tend to do rather poorly in their interaction with me.
Why is that - given that I like Introverts, and have a long proven track record of warming myself up to them?
My best explanation for this apparent contradiction is the fact that being Warm is a fundamental personality trait that I absolutely need in close relations, whether as friends, relationships or housemates. And, while Introverts can perfectly be Warm people (not as flamboyantly as Extroverts but that's fine with me!), there are a lot of people who describe themselves as Introverts when, to me, they'd more accurately be described as "NOT Warm."
Of course, "not warm" carries a the negative connotation - and, not surprisingly, most people wouldn't describe themselves that way!
What does "Warm" Mean?
But let's try to define terms. What does "Warm" mean to me? It's one of those qualities that are easier to spot than to precisely define - probably because it is an integrative term that includes a sprinkling of numerous other qualities, without generally requiring a huge amount of any of them. In my opinion, here are some of those qualities - probably forgetting to include some:
* Being "present" / "engaged" / interacting / responsive on a good time scale
* Displaying enthusiasm / passion
* Good communication / taking the initiative, at least some of the time, in communicating
* Possessing some sense of humor
* A certain amount of cheerfulness, or at least not being generally grumpy
* Positivity
* Empathy / Caring / Being "sweet"
* Taking a "lively interest" in the other person (e.g. displaying curiosity, asking questions) / Interested in building rapport
* At least moderately talkative (not trying to compete with Extroverts!), i.e. it doesn't "require pliers to pull words out of them"
* Not simply a thin layer of friendly politeness, like a store clerk
* [In the case of shared housing] Having comparable focus on the people as on the house/amenities
I believe that one can perfectly be an Introvert, as defined earlier, and still possess enough of the above qualities to project a sense of Warm. Indeed, I know many such people!
But then there people who generally lack those qualities, and they self-describe as "Introverts" - when to me it's something totally different!
The problem is that "Warm" is a fine term - whether you fully agree with my earlier definition or have a somewhat different take. But what's the opposite of "Warm"? Words like "cold", or even "not warm", are unappealing, negative, denigrating terms. Likewise for terms such as "aloof", "distant", "withdrawn", "walled in", etc. No wonder, to me, that many seek refuge in the term "Introvert".
The best non-denigrating term I can come up with, for someone lacking those qualities I consider part of a Warm personality, is "Very Reserved". I'm not completely happy with that term, but haven't yet been able to find an alternative... (Suggestions?)
Hence, my opening slogan that "I do quite well with Introverts but rather poorly with 'Very Reserved' people."
The terms are quite arguable - I admit it, and I know that I have my biases - but I hope I have at least given my definition of them, and clarified what I mean.
Shy?
Shyness can indeed mask warmth. But I didn't even mention shyness in my earlier discussion, simply because for me personally it's not an obstacle in the least! As a formerly shy person myself, not to mention as a photo artist who has worked with hundreds of amateur models - many rather shy - I have immense experience in making shy people very comfortable, surprisingly quickly.
So, any presence of shyness is NOT a confounding element in the "Introvert / Very Reserved" ambiguity, as far as I'm concerned : I have a "radar" that can see thru shyness! It's rarely, if ever, the issue for me: I have fondness for shy people!
Background Culture
I'm aware that some cultures feel rather differently about whether "Warm" (as defined by me above) is a good thing or not. Just to give one personal example, I remember discussions with a close friend (a white American) lamenting that her boyfriend (raised in Asia) rarely displayed active curiosity - such as asking question - about her latest activities, hobbies, etc. She felt - and that's a feeling that I 100% share myself - that he was aloof/distant/un-interested.
When she finally confronted her boyfriend about that, he explained that he felt it'd be rude and nosy to ask too many questions! Culture clash 101!! Not surprisingly, they didn't remain together very long... ("Opposites may attract but don't last" - but that's a topic for another time!)
Personally, though I've lived in the US all my adult life, I'm originally from the south of Italy. That's a place where people tend to be very warm, at times even overbearing! So, it might not be a huge surprise that a disturbingly-large number of people come across to me as "spine-chilling cold"... and that I'm aghast at the extremely cold/"transactional" quality of most "shared housing" posts.
Perhaps equally not surprising is the fact that my best housemate ever (NOT counting live-in gf's!) was a girl from Iran - another "warm" culture (in fact, non-Muslim Iranians seem culturally very close to southern Europeans, from what I've seen.)
At the same time, I certainly don't want to make assumptions, or jump to conclusions, about cultural backgrounds... and that's exactly one reason why precise terminology, and clear definitions, become more important than ever in assessing personality and compatibility in individual cases.
Comments
Post a Comment